


The French Mistake

by MediumSizedEvil



Series: Incredible Thoughts [8]
Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Gen, Serve & Protect, Surprise in my eyes when I looked above
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:28:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22256431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MediumSizedEvil/pseuds/MediumSizedEvil
Summary: A camel in the garden“It's an alpaca, dumbass.” Jake meets his hero and learns an important lesson.
Relationships: Rosa Diaz (Brooklyn Nine-Nine) & Jake Peralta
Series: Incredible Thoughts [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1591777
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22
Collections: Incredible Thoughts





	The French Mistake

Jake looked up at the giant mansion. “I had no idea _Serve & Protect_ paid so well! Or is it those dog food commercials?”

Rosa rang the door bell. “Remember, this case requires the utmost discretion.”

“I'm like, super discrete, Rosa. You know me.”

“So Cassie Sinclair reported that a guest's diamond cufflinks were stolen. Harry Winston, 1.82 carats, set in 18k white gold.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Valued at 30,000 dollars.”

“What!” Jake exclaimed, just as a butler - a friggin' butler! - opened the door. 

He stoically allowed them to enter after they'd identified themselves. “Miss Sinclair will be with you soon. She is currently getting her hair done,” he announced. He showed them into a luxurious lounge area with a ridiculously high ceiling. “If you'll wait here, please.”

Jake looked around at the opulent surroundings and cleared his throat. “You know, I buy all my cufflinks from Cartier.”

“You can't even pronounce it,” Rosa countered.

Jake casually poked a fluffy pillow that turned out to be a yappy little dog. She ran up to the butler and nervously peed on his shoes. Meanwhile Jake strolled to the window and moved the net curtains aside. “Dude, there's a camel in the backyard.”

“It's an alpaca, dumbass.”

Jake looked up. On the landing was none other than Bruce Willis wearing a sexy black number, i.e. a tuxedo.

“Bruce Willis?”

Bruce Willis smoothly sashayed down the stairs. “Yes, I'm Bruce Willis.”

“I'm Detective Diaz, I'd like to ask you a few questions.”

Jake excitedly flapped his hands. “I'm Detective Jake Peralta, I'd also like to ask you a few questions! What's your favorite color? No wait...”

Bruce Willis frowned. “Peralta? Don't tell me you're _that_ Jake Peralta?” He shook his head. “Reggie told me you suck.”

“It was a mistake! It was a misunderstanding! Please, I'm your Number 1 fan, Bruce Willis!”

Rosa rolled her eyes, and the butler visibly winced.

“I've seen all your movies! More than once! I'm a die-hard Die Hard fan! When you were dead at the end of The Sixth Sense, I...eh wait, never mind.”

Bruce Willis quizzically raised an eyebrow. “No, what?”

“Eh...I hated it. I absolutely hated it. Cause you were dead. I prefer you...breathing.”

Bruce Willis shook his head. “Okay, whatever...”

“I love all your movies! Even the 2006 Nancy Drew reboot.”

“2007,” the butler dryly remarked.

“And that movie sucked,” Bruce Willis added. “Too much emphasis on the existential dichotomy of the human condition.”

“No doubt no doubt no doubt,” Jake agreed.

Rosa impatiently flipped open her notebook. “So what are you doing here in Miss Sinclair's home?”

Bruce Willis smiled mysteriously. “That's classified.”

“Cool cool cool cool cool,” Jake replied.

“Answer the question,” Rosa insisted.

“We were having a rendez-vous.” He turned to Jake. “That's French for none of your business. Fuck off, you stupid bitch!” he yelled at the dog humping his leg. Then he turned back to Rosa. “Now I just need you to do your job and find my stolen cufflinks, alright? They're not worth much but Rumer gave them to me for Arbor Day.”

“That's my favorite holiday too!” Jake gushed. “You're the best dad, I knew it.”

“Please show some proper deference,” the butler sniffed.

“Yes, I've really had enough of you,” Bruce Willis added.

Rosa sighed. “So where and when did you last see the cufflinks?”

“I left them on the hall table yesterday evening, and this morning they were gone. I don't understand, this place has excellent security.”

“We'll pull the tapes,” Rosa announced, pointing to a security camera in the corner.

Bruce Willis shook his head. “I already had a look, but that camera is pointed straight at the door, so the hallway table is not in view. But nobody went in or out since yesterday.”

Jake nodded slowly. “The butler did it!”

“That is outrageous!” the butler exclaimed. “How dare you question my professional integrity!”

Bruce Willis rolled his eyes dramatically. “I despair for the NYPD...”

Rosa snapped her fingers. “Jake, be serious.”

“But I am!” he protested. “Didn't you see how he flinched when I said I was his biggest fan? That's cause he thinks he is. And then he corrected me on the Nancy Drew movie. Only a true fan would know that. So he didn't steal the cufflinks for their monetary value, but as a memento. And that's why he keeps them close. In fact, I can see a vague outline through his jacket, right here.”

As Jake pointed to his chest the butler suddenly made a run for it. Rosa put out her foot to tackle him, and Jake jumped on his back and cuffed his wrists in one swift move. After pulling the butler up he patted him down and then reached inside his jacket. “Well, here are your cufflinks,” he dejectedly told Bruce Willis, who was just standing around looking stunned.

“I'm so sorry!” the butler wailed, “I thought you wouldn't miss them!”

“Alright, case closed. Time to go,” Rosa announced. “I'm not going to wait for Cassie's perm to set.”

Jake pushed the butler towards the door. “You know, all I ever wanted was to be a hero like John McClane,” he said in passing.

“But you can't,” Bruce Willis said, shaking his head. “Cause he's fictional. John McClane never arrested a single bad guy in his life. Because he doesn't exist. So no, you can't be a hero like John McClane. Cause you're the real deal.” Bruce Willis patted Jake's shoulder. “John McClane wishes he was like you.”

Jake swallowed hard. “Thank you, Bruce Willis. You don't know what that means to me, coming from you.”

“Hey, I'm just an actor. You risk your life every day to keep these streets safe. It's an honor to meet you, Detective Peralta.”

“I'm gonna die. I'm just gonna sit here in the corner and die. Don't mind me.”

“Also, you're a terrible drama queen.”

**Author's Note:**

> [The French Mistake](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoAk99bSH4U)  
> 


End file.
